Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Stick a fork in me

Friends, I'm over it. This week officially marks the first time I have felt legitimately and truly DONE. I'm done with this life of transition and carlessness and waiting. It took a loooong time. An impressively long time. B kept giving me looks of "Why aren't you over it? Why aren't you pulling your hair out like I am?? Why aren't you ready to test out the exact height of the gorges... from the top?" And I have continued to give very rational answers for nine months. I have continued to say things like "It'll happen when it's meant to happen. We're not even ready to move. There are still so many things to weed out and pack and see and do before we're really ready to leave. Once we're sitting in the house, with nothing left to do or pack and just literally waiting to move, then I'll share your frustration. But right now... there's still plenty that can happen before leaving."

The thing is, I never thought we'd literally get to the point of sitting around with nothing to do. I thought we'd be moved before that point. And it has occurred to me that this week we officially got there. Everything than can be weeded out has been put into the garage, I packed the final three boxes of things I can pack on Monday, our Master House List has all but one or two items crossed off of it (and that baby was a page long!), and now I'm just bored.

Again, it's probably surprising and confusing that it took this long of being without a job to become bored, but for whatever reason, it did take that long and now I've spent the week wandering around the house. All of the books and crafts have been packed since September when we thought we were moving to Nashville. Buying new crafts costs money we don't have. I finally have my cleaning system down so that there are no more major house cleans to attack, just daily maintenance. And most days I'm without a car, so there are few opportunities to just wander through the world - sitting in coffee shops, reading books and writing letters.

Feather Nester thinks the whole problem is being compounded by the pregnancy nesting instinct that kicks in. And B was totally amused (with an underpinning of horror) that I was just now getting to this point:

"You mean, you're just NOW over it?? (long and confused pause) So you're just NOW frustrated with our situation? Up until now you were fine, but suddenly you've realized that it's REALLY time to move?? Oh... my... God!!! Is THIS why we haven't moved yet?? Have you been IN ANY WAY unclear with the Universe about your intentions? Because I'm starting to think that the fact that you aren't nearly as impatient as I am has somehow led us to NOT MOVING. Well! Shit! Now that you're finally frustrated, maybe someone will listen and we can actually move. Good news!"

Also he said that we could work it out so that I got the car more. "You know... just so you can get out of the house... like for window shopping or whatever." Only a husband would think that window shopping for shit you can't have would be a good way to spend your wildly abundant free time. I think I'll trend more towards the drinking-decaf-iced-coffee-while-reading-free-magazines type of time passing. That used to be the best part about being a waitress - all that free time during the day to browse magazines at your leisure. But again, back then I had a car and didn't live in the country.

So obviously there is nothing that can be done about this, but I just had to share where I'm at right now. And if you had told me at ANY other time in my life that I'd be this anxious to move to Albany, NY of all places, I would have laughed and thrown a drink in your face. Ah, drinks... from what I remember, those used to taste gooooood. Oops, got distracted by alcohol! Sorry. My mind tends to wander these days.


feather nester said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry it's gotten so hard. It's completely more than understandable, but that probably doesn't help much. Maybe we can talk about it more in-depth when you're here and see if we can come up with any solutions.

Paula said...

It is very hard to live in limbo. I remember Doug coming home and saying we were probably going to move to XYZ - I'd pull out the maps and go to the library (this was pre-Internet days!) and get all excited and then it would change!

It sounds like you need a project - maybe you should unpack the craft stuff! Of go to Olsten temps and see it you can work a bit. Its kind of fun and gets you out. You can turn down assignments if you don't feel like working. It's a thought, anyway. \

It was so much fun to see you for Tamarah's wedding!

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