Seriously?

You know those really bizarre Fun Houses that you see in movies from time to time? The ones that you've never actually seen in real life, but have meandering hallways and wavy mirrors and small children with butcher knives hiding in the corners. The kind they use in movies where a character is hallucinating and it's meant to convey to you that he's HIGH. HIGH! THE DRUGS ARE BAD! THEY'VE BEEN SPIKED.

The Berrys are feeling like that this week. And this is big for me to say because I'm an inherent non-complainer about my life. I have gratitude and perspective and resilience. I've never used the acronym FML and none of my Facebook posts have ever complained about how my Starbucks order got screwed up and now my whole morning has gone to shit. Everyone in my family is healthy and here to enjoy. So, big picture, I'm still quite blessed. Small picture.... small picture is kicking our ASSES.

So there's already the partial bed rest that essentially turned into full bed rest because my body couldn't handle any more. And then there have been the weekly additions to the bed rest - now you have to increase your salt intake to keep your blood pressure up, now you need to shower using a granny stool, now you're only allowed to shower twice a week, now your fat ass is causing episodes of sleep apnea, now you need to start stretching your legs in the morning because pregnant people have problems with minerals and that's what causing the terrible cramping...

But STILL I've been rockin it. I had a little talk with myself early into the bed rest about how to every thing there is a season. A time to be hot and skinny and feel awesome and a time to lie low and sit on your couch in the middle of winter and just grow your child. And Husband Extraordinaire seemed to be rockin' it too. He was cleaning the house every weekend to make up for the previous week when nothing got cleaned, he was doing one small chore each morning before work to keep us in towels and bowls, and we weren't even ordering out.

Additionally, I kept noticing all of these wonderful little instances where things were just working out. Someone who thought they wouldn't be able to babysit suddenly could, the doctor's appointment lined up exactly with B's work schedule, etc, etc. See, I said to myself. What a beautiful example of life and karma just rising to the occasion. You were handed a setback, but it takes a village and all the villagers are coming together. 

ROCKIN' IT. Suck it, bed rest.

But then last Thursday hit and things started to slide down the hill faster and faster and now it's just getting comical around here.

B started his last semester of grad school last week and came home from his first class a little ashen. In addition to some major drama with the structure of the class that's already resulted in letters to his Dean, he came home proclaiming that the work load for this last semester was going to be unlike anything he's seen in the previous 2 1/2 years.

He spent the FIRST DAY after his FIRST CLASS at the library. And then he went back again two days later. He has FOUR projects due next week so I anticipate seeing him only for breakfast and his 8pm beer this weekend.

Then Charlotte got sick. Like, crazy, out of her mind, sick. Almost sicker than she's ever been. Fever, chest cold, coughing, mucus, no sleep, etc. All the mucus and coughing culminated in her puking in our bed at midnight - us spending 45 minutes cleaning up her and the bed - and then her doing it again five minutes after returning to our bed. Thankfully B has some serious cat-like reflexes and CAUGHT IT. Yup, welcome to fatherhood.

Then the beginning of the week rolled around and I started to get a wee bit sick and things started to go a wee bit haywire at B's work. Then Tuesday and Wednesday hit and all of the projects and conferences and drama B was starting to deal with at work really exploded, simultaneously with my "wee bit sick" turning into Is this the sickest I'VE ever been??

So Charlotte wasn't better, work wasn't better, and my is-it-pnemonia chest cold made me pee myself. Let me just wait while you let that sink in...

...

...

Oh, are you picturing some cough-induced drips? Please don't. Please envision a potty training toddler who has forgotten that they have to pee and has caused a visible problem on the hardwood.

Let's add up what went wrong. First, I've been instructed to drink 3 liters of water a day to help with my blood pressure. Also, I'm full term and I challenge you to find the sorry sliver that is my bladder on this medical diagram. Now I'd like you to picture a cough so spontaneous and violent it's like you're actually drowning in your own fluids. Mucus waterboarding. Without warning, even though you have half a bottle of doctor-approved cough medicine in you.

So Much Pee. Twice. It happened twice.

And now if you aren't WAILING with laughter at my own absurd piss situation than you need to find a different blog. Because if this misery can't get a little company in the form of huge fits of laughter than we aren't seeing eye to eye.

Feel free to tell your friends. Have them call me to retell the story in person. It's the most insane zenith of our week that I can't even bring myself to be embarrassed because it's just that dumb. Pregnancy is a miracle.

Also, our vacuum broke for good this afternoon. I peed myself and the vacuum shit itself. It's poetic, really.



   

Yet another reason 2 yr olds rock

Have I mentioned that I've been loving the 2 year old stage? The old adage is "the terrible twos" but every parent I've ever met has said that it's really "the terrible threes."

Charlotte and I had a seriously rough patch from 18mo-24mo. EverySingleThing was a huge battle. Every diaper change, every meal, every moment throughout the day was a struggle. And while some people/websites/etc. mentioned that toddler frustrations can come about because they can't talk, I figured that this couldn't possibly be the reason b/c it went on for SO LONG.

But. The moment she could really talk, her behavior turned on a dime and she's been pretty delightful ever since. She's animated and curious and a quick learner and a quick forgeter, and shockingly observant and always hysterical.

Almost all of the adorable two year old sayings come from the process of learning language and how to use it to figure out the world around them. This most recent example is so endearing that I think it should be a saying from now on. Kind of like the broken moon.


She was playing with stickers. I told her not to put the stickers on the chair... she put the stickers on the chair. I said that if she put one more sticker on the chair I was going to take the stickers away... I had to take the stickers away. Tears ensued.

As she was sitting next to me in a heap of tears I calmly re-explained what had happened, and that if she agreed to only put stickers on the paper, she could have them back. While she was mulling that over, she wiped her cheeks:

"WAIDIN'!"
"What???"
"WAININ'... MY EYES"
"Raining?"
"Yeah (sniff, sniff), rainin' f'om my eyes"



   

Checking In

I'm checking in out of pure guilt and blog obligation, but I should start by saying that I really have nothing interesting to report. You'd think that all of the hours on the couch would yield a multitude of blog posts, but clearly this hasn't been the case. Apparently when you do nothing with your days you have nothing to write about. Not a surprising conclusion.

The Berry clan is surviving bed rest surprisingly well so far. Mr. B does a LOT of chores, sometimes both before and after work, Charlotte has had a stream of various cousins and babysitters come visit her on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings to keep her busy, I no longer fit into anything but pj pants and leggings, and Baby Boy still doesn't have a name.

We're circling a few names out of a pure sense of responsibility that he should probably have one at SOME point, but in the end we'll probably just go with whatever feels right once he's here.

B starts his last semester of his 3 year MBA program this week. We started his first semester a few weeks after Charlotte was born, so it's appropriate that we'll start the last semester within a few weeks of Baby #2's birth. I can't believe we're really been doing this for so long, but everyone is ready for it to be over.

I say "we" because the one thing that grad school has taught me is that it's a team effort. I didn't realize that before, but they should hand out spouse degrees on that stage as well. Anyone who has been through this can attest to that fact.

So that's it, friends. Thank you for continuing to visit the blog even though I've been so remiss on the updating. I really do try to think of things to write about, it just rarely works.  Three weeks to the due date...



  

Just like Florida, but closer

Since I'm too pregnant to fly anywhere warm this winter, we took a little weekend getaway to an indoor water park about an hour from here so we could at least experience some manufactured warmth. It was a huge hit with the whole clan and a lovely distraction from all of the health issues and accompanying chaos that's been going on at home.

Charlotte was a total water bug and loved every minute, and I learned that floating in a lazy river removes every single pregnancy symptom I've been dealing with. No heartbeat issues, no blood pressure issues, no cramping, no dizziness, etc. B said he'd swing by the farm store this week to get me a big tub to put in the living room so I could float for the next four weeks. He thinks he was kidding, but I would rock the shit out of that farm tub...

 Sundaes in the room

 Whispering secrets to the bear before sliding

 Strawberry smoothie

Lazy River.

Now if only I had a picture of her laying on her arms in the inner tube, B holding her up, floating along like an Egyptian princess. She got so used to her station in life that towards the end of our float she turned to me and said "Daddy go?" and I had to reply something along the lines of "Oh my god, you DIVA!! He's BEHIND YOU, and has been holding you up this entire time. Turn around!" Oh to be an adored two year old...

The swing was a HUGE hit. Apparently you don't have to actually be IN the water to enjoy the water park.

  

Bed rest survival guide

OK, the ducks are officially in their row. If all goes as planned I won't have Charlotte for any full days until  Baby No Name arrives. Between school (black), cousin help (red), B having every other Friday off (green), and a babysitter filling in on the Fridays he works (blue), plus the weekly cleaning lady to help reduce the burden, I think we're set.

It'll be a little trickier once the spring semester (his last) starts, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Now that the calendar is set and the tree is down, we're turning our attention to finding a name for the wee one. It will be a miracle if he has one by the time I go into labor.



  

How to store Christmas lights

For a totally foolproof way to store your Christmas lights and never deal with tangles or knots ever again, roll them in a ball. Don't put anything in the middle or wrap them around anything, just wrap them around each other. Works every time.

 

Happy New Year