Monday, February 1, 2010

The Smell

So, we've been battling "a smell" around here. It started about five days ago when I walked into the nursery after the door had been closed and realized that it smelled like paint. It struck me as odd, because while there are several things in the nursery that could elicit a paint smell, none of them have been recently painted. We have the cabinet that B painted over the summer to match the rest of the furniture. We have the two huge oil paintings that Giovanina made for Charlotte and sent to us over the summer. We have painted walls that we painted... over the summer. Are you seeing a pattern?

So, I checked around the radiator to see if the heat was causing something to warm up and give off an odor and then just dismissed the problem as a fluke. The next day the smell was there, but much fainter, so again, I let it go. We have a carbon monoxide detector right outside the nursery so I figured that could be trusted to alert us to any problems. Not that carbon monoxide even has an odor, and thus the whole reason they make the detectors in the first place, so it's pretty flawed logic, but whatever.

Then the next day the odor was extremely strong and we started to get worried. Of all places to have a noxious odor, the absolute last place you would choose is the room that your perfect and delicate 6 month old daughter sleeps. So we, again, checked out everything we could think of, took out the diaper trash, and put the air purifier in there.

The purifier and the trash removal kind of helped, so we let it go... again. I vaguely noticed that the smell was a little stronger on one half of the room, but it's the half that is opposite the radiator and I couldn't see anything that could possibly be causing the smell, so I didn't do anything about it. We had a busy weekend with errands and all the Saturday morning relaxing, so although it was worrying me, it didn't get pursued.

Well this morning when I went into the nursery after her morning nap, it once again smelled horrible and the fact that we were most certainly poisoning our child kicked things into gear. So I set out, bloodhound style, around the nursery. I literally put her in the middle of the room and walked around sniffing.

Crawl... crawl... sniff! sniff!

Crawl, sniff!

Crawl, sniff!

AH HA! It IS on this half of the room. I KNEW it! OK, what's over here?? The painting is here. Sniff! No... not the painting. Damn.

Hmmm... the closet is here, but that doesn't make sense. The only thing I put in here recently is her LL Bean snow suit for next year that I just got on killer sale. I'm pretty sure LL Bean doesn't coat their children's clothes in paint thinner, but who am I to make assumptions?!

Damn! Not the snow suit.

Beach toys! I just put the beach toys she got for Christmas in here and they are made of plastic!! Probably EVIL PLASTIC made by children in CHINA. That will DEFINITELY be it. Stupid pink plastic! It'll probably KILL HER the first time she uses it!

ARGH! Not the beach toys - totally harmless, as it turns out.

Beach towel??


Rain coat??


But it IS coming from the middle-ish region of the world's smallest closet. We are getting closer, presumably.

Rapid, dog-like, sniffing ensues. All over the closet.


AH - FUCKING - HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course! It probably came with some alcohol cleaner that spilled inside the bag. Soooo logical! And not just logical, but safe. PHEW.

Lots of relieved exhaling ensues.

La-dee-da... da-dee-da... just gonna open this bag here and grab that cleaner bottle... la-dee-da...
It's probably under these extra supplies here... oh, and under these manuals here, naturally.

OH-MY-SWEET-JESUS-WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT!!!!!!!!! IT'S GREEN! OHMYGOD it's a mouse. A RODENT has made it's way into the breast pump bag and DIED AND ROTTED and now it's ROTTING CORPSE is poisoning my child!!

Wait, that's probably not true. Is it a... donut??? It's green and sunken in like a donut. But we don't even eat donuts. WHAT LAZY FAT ASS WAS EATING A DONUT AND JUST THREW THE EXTRAS INTO THE BREAST PUMP BAG?!!!

Oh Jesus, there are TWO of them! TWO of... something... that is in the breast pump bag, covered in green mold and slowing killing the entire household.

Aaaaaaannnd then I remember.

I remember back to CHRISTMAS DAY when we were all driving up to Plattsburgh together and the car was all packed and I grabbed the breast pump bag and - being the always organized and thoughtful person that I am - threw two clementines into the bag to snack on during the drive.

So there you have it. Smell mystery solved.

And on what I'm sure is a totally unrelated note, on Saturday I experienced a headache so awful and debilitating it was headed straight for migraine status, but a combination of caffeine, meds, and a shower managed to keep it at bay.

Fucking clementines. Why do I have to be so organized all the time? Or, better question, why do I have to be all organized on the front end and all kinds of forgetful on the back end? It seemed like such a smart idea at the time.


Wonderland said...

I'm not sure if this post was supposed to make me laugh, or what it says about me that it did, but - hahahahah!

Ms. Madore said...


Strongmama said...

You have no idea how relieved I am that this story ended with clementines and not mice. So glad it was an easy recovery.

Ouiser said...

i. am. cracking. up.

Courtney said...

i am home sick and i am cracking up and now choking as a result of laughing. killer clementines.

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