B's beautiful cousin Amanda turns 21 on Friday, but we celebrated yesterday with a little get-together since everyone was still in town from Thanksgiving. Our sweet Amanda goes to school in Manhattan and has spent all of her Saturdays for the last two years of college just sitting in her room, knitting and reading the Bible, usually while wearing a nice frock that covers her ankles.
To honor her foray into adulthood, we got her her first alcohol and wrote up a little tutorial:
Alcohol: A Primer
According to Wikipedia, an alcoholic beverage is any drink containing ethanol, of which there are three categories: beers, wines, and spirits.
Now that you have crossed that longed-for threshold of turning 21, we feel it is our duty to introduce you to the seedy, lascivious world known as ALCOHOL. This is not a world to be entered into lightly as it's a world filled mostly with cads and loose women. That being said, we feel as though we can't keep your pretty face sheltered any longer. Truth is of the utmost importance in life, and it is with that in mind that we seek to educate you today.
Beer - One day you will learn that beer is a masterful category that actually does consist of more than just Milwaukee's Best (AKA: Beast), Natural Light (Natty), and Keystone. You're just going to have to trust us on this, as you will most likely not be exposed to the other variations until you're not quite as poor.
Wine - Wine comes in red (made with the grape skins) and white (made without the grape skins). Whatever you choose, stay away from the sugary shit known as "White Zinfandel," which all of your aunts drink. This is not wine. This is what happens when Willy Wonka makes wine.
Spirits - Spirits are used primarily to get drunk quickly or to feel fancy. They will lead you down the path of the devil and you'll probably get there without your panties on. Be mindful.
Since this will be your first experience with alcohol, we must insist that you begin with one drink, in the safety of your own home, and follow it with copious amounts of water. This will be the only way to escape unscathed and without what is known as a "hangover."
If that experiment goes well, you may consider moving on to two drinks the following weekend. But again, we must insist that they are consumed in your home, and followed with water.
We realize that you may be the first of your friends to turn 21, so we implore you to keep this dangerous world that we have introduced you to from them. It is only for the best.
Years from now you may come to learn that some of them had FAKE IDs to obtain alcohol before it was legally permitted. Only people without any sense of moral justice would obtain and then use false identification as a means of purchasing alcohol. If you find this out, you can be rest assured that these people were not quality people and should not have been your friends to begin with.
As you enter this new world, Amanda, we wish you nothing but the best. Please never lose sight of the responsibility with which you will now have. And, as always, please let us know if you have any further questions regarding this matter.
When you graduate from college next year, we will then have a discussion on sexual relations, but until that time it's imperative that you think only about your studies.
Bryan & Sarah